CAT HUMOR

<BGSOUND SRC="kittenonthekeys.mid" LOOP=TRUE> CAT HUMOR

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CAT PERSON WHEN...(AUTHOR UNKNOWN) You set a place at the dinner table for your cat. You have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's." You call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat. You and kitty have matching outfits. Your spouse says, "Me or the cat!" and there's no hesitation. You never go to the door unless it's to let a cat in/out. Your favorite friends have fleas. You chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox. You are lost for conversation with non-cat people. You meow so well, you confuse the cats. You bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore...at length....author unknown but sure sounds like me!

Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
(1)If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good! (2)Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening.He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. (3)For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors contrast with your own. (4)Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. (5)For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain,claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. (6)Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you,it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season. (7)If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. (8)For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. (9)For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose.Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. (10)For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time. (11)Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m....Author Unknown

Kitty Astrology(Author Unknown)
March 21--April 19 Aries cats are adventurous creatures, busy and not restful pets. They have a loyal streak and loved being fussed over when in the right mood.
April 19--May 20 The Taurus cat is always purring and happiest when asleep on his favorite bed. They love food and will tend to be a little on the plump side. They are easy going, but will react fiercely if angered.
May 20--June 21 The Gemini cat is an out and about cat, he will become restless if expected to be a lap cat. An incurable flirt, this cat makes for fascinating sometimes exasperating company.
June21--July 22 The Cancer cat is ideal for someone who spends a lot of time at home. The Cancer cat will spend a lot of time by your side, climbing on your lap at every opportunity. They are easily offended.
July 22--August 22 Leo cats must rule the roost unchallenged. They have a striking appearance and keep their coats in shape. They adore praise and will go out of their way to attract attention.
August 23--September 22 The Virgo cat is a cautious careful cat. Very intelligent and they don't mind if their owners are out all day. They love a change of scenery and a trip out in the cat basket.
September 23--October 22 The Libra cat loves to be pampered. They love attention and don't appreciate being shooed off their favorite chair.
October22--November 21 The Scorpio cat is a passionate, magical cat with a magnetic personality. He leaps and bounds joyfully. He doesn't make friends easily, but once won over he is your friend for life.
November 22--December 21 The Sagittarius cat is a freedom loving rover. They lack the grace of the other signs. Their great loves in life are eating and human company. To much fussing over them makes them impatient.
December 22--January 22 The Capricorn cat is unruffled and serene. Usually timid with strangers. They crave attention but may feel inhibited about demanding it. Be sensitive to their needs.
January 23--February 21 The Aquarius cat is unpredictable, decorative, and rather aloof. Admire him from afar. They rarely show affection for humans, but observes them with interest.
February 22--March 20 The Pisces cat is a home loving cat, the lure of the garden wall holds no interest for this cat. Attention centers on their owner, who can be assured of their devotion.

KITTY PRAYER...(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!

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